This odd little piece was written in order to make my girlfriend (the last girl I dated before I met my wife, Kathy) laugh. It's a bit juvenile, puerile and sophomoric. It is also chock full of nasty words, you've been warned.
There is an incomplete, and much larger Draft 3 floating around my harddrive. If you don't tell me how good this is, I'll finish it and post it!
It was loosly inspired by mixing parts of Bored of The Rings and the Mech Warrior (non-computer) game.
Richard R. Ward.
Draft #2 11-03-1986
HTML Conversion November 6, 1999.
Once upon a time there lived three little Doinkles. The three little Doinkles lived in a little wooden cottage on the edge of the Hairpie Forest. These three little Doinkles were happy, carefree little buggers, who scraped a living out of collecting unused welfare checks from the forest sewers. One day while the Doinkles were out collecting Food Stamps, they were accosted by Lictus Stinkfinger, the evil Lich King of the Southron Wastes.
"Give me your Food Stamps, or I'll fuck you up the ass!" screamed the Lich King.
"No, oh great Spotty-Faced One," the three Doinkles cried in unison, "do not fuck us up the ass! Take our Food Stamps!"
The three Doinkles quickly threw their Food Stamps on the ground in front of the Lich King. As they did so, the littlest Doinkle (named Wrektumn Doinkle) dropped a Twinkie on the ground.
"You have Twinkies!?" cried the Lich King, scooping up the fallen treat.
"I have a few," groveled Wrektumn Doinkle.
"Give them to me!" screamed the Lich King.
"Yes, oh Crusty-Assed Lord of Evil," whimpered Wrektumn Doinkle.
"That's just bloody wonderful," mumbled the oldest Doinkle (named Doody-Poo Doinkle) under his breath.
"Lord in Funkville, that is fantastic!" bellowed the Lich King as he quickly gobbled down the Twinkies, spitting out crumbs and shredded pieces of plastic wrapper. "You three Doinkles, you will go forth and get me as many Twinkies as your little backs can carry, or I'll rip your smelly little bodies into shards so small they'd fit in a gnat's navel!"
"Yes oh Sweaty-Balled Prince of Pestilence," the three Doinkles said, laying prostrate before the Lich King. "We will get you all the Twinkies our little backs can carry, just don't kill us."
"Or fuck us up the ass," mumbled Doody-Poo Doinkle.
"I want them by sunrise, or else!" the Lich King said as he vanished into a puff of smelly goat farts.
"This is just fucking fantastic!" whined the middle Doinkle (named Puddlefish Doinkle). "How in the hell are we supposed to get Twinkies when that greasy bastard has run off with our Food Stamps?"
"Damned if I know," said Doody-Poo Doinkle as he picked a scab on his big toe.
"I've got an idea!" said Wrektumn Doinkle.
"Did it hurt?" said Puddlefish Doinkle with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"Shut up, you faggot!" said Wrektumn Doinkle, near tears.
"And what if I am?" countered Puddlefish Doinkle, swishing about.
"There is no 'What if?'" replied Wrektumn Doinkle. "I saw you in the cellar packing fudge with Cheese-Whiz Doinkle!"
"So?! I saw you beating off in the outhouse while reading an old copy of Baa-Boy!" said Puddlefish Doinkle shaking with anger.
"At least they were girl sheep!" cried Wrektumn Doinkle swinging his fists about.
"All right you two, let's get back to the story!" interrupted Doody-Poo Doinkle. "What's your idea, Wrektumn?"
"Why don't we go see the Chainsaw King? He might know how to help us." said Wrektumn Doinkle, wiping tears of rage from his rosy cheeks.
"That is a keen idea!" the other two Doinkles cried out. "Let's go see the Chainsaw King, he might know how to help us!"
Soon the three Doinkles were scampering across the underbrush of the Hairpie Forest to see the Chainsaw King. On their way, they stopped at the Three Little Pig's "Wolfburger Wonderland" restaurant for a Quarter Lupe. After lunch they passed a little girl in a red cape setting a wolf on fire with a Ronco "Flame-O-Toss". They were then passed by a tin man wearing a lion-skin cape, a straw hat, a dog-skin water bag, and eating a girl's arm. As they reached the far end of the Hairpie Forest, they paused to watch a little girl give head to seven greasy little midgets in mining suits.
As they passed through the last trees of the Hairpie Forest, they found themselves face to foot with a giant man-shaped Death Machine. It stood over fifty foot tall, and bristled with guns and other sundry implements of death and destruction.
"Who goes there?!" bellowed an amplified voice from within the machine. "Advance and be recognized!"
"Oh shit," said Puddlefish Doinkle as he soiled his pants in fear.
"Yipe!" shrieked Wrektumn Doinkle as the three Doinkle ran behind a small clump of bushes.
"I can see you!" the voice bellowed to the Doinkles. "You can not hide from my eyes. Now come out from behind those bushes before I really get pissed off and do this to you." The machine's right arm lifted, and pointed to a large clump of trees thirty yards from the bushes the Doinkles were hiding behind. As the Doinkles began to wonder what would happen next, the guns on the arm fired a ray of pure energy that screamed into the trees. The resulting explosion shook the very earth and split the air with the sound of thunder, sending pieces of burning trees flying for hundreds of yards in all directions.
After the pieces of tree all fell to the ground, and the smoke had cleared, Doody-Poo Doinkle looked up to see that the clump of trees had ceased to exist. In their stead stood a large crater surrounded by burned and shattered tree stumps. He then looked at the machine to see that the machine's right arm was now pointed straight at the bushes that he and the other Doinkles were hiding behind.
"Advance and be recognized!" the voice bellowed again. "This has not been a good day, and I am not in the mood for any bullshit."
"We give, we give!" the Doinkles cried out as they walked out from behind the bushes with their hands held above their heads. "We are but three little Doinkles going to see the Chainsaw King."
"What be thy name, tall one?" asked the voice.
"I am Doody-Poo Doinkle." replied Doody-Poo Doinkle.
"And your name, shorty?"
"I am Wrektumn Doinkle." replied Wrektumn Doinkle.
"And your name, dirty drawers?"
"I am Puddlefish Doinkle." replied Puddlefish Doinkle.
"Well Puddlefish Doinkle, go clean out your pants. I can't stand bad hygiene." the voice said to the frightened Doinkle.
"Umm, well, umm, where?..." stammered Puddlefish Doinkle.
"In yonder stream!" bellowed the voice, pointing at a small stream with the machines left arm. "And if you are not back in ten minutes, I'll toast your friends. Comprende?"
"Yes sir, yes sir," Puddlefish Doinkle said as he quickly waddled to the stream to clean out his pants.
As Puddlefish Doinkle tried to clean his pants as fast as he could, he heard loud footsteps, like those of a giant, come up from behind him. Turning around, he saw the huge mass of the Death Machine approach with a steady pace. He stood in abject terror as the machine walked to within ten feet of him. The machine stopped and the cockpit on the top opened and Wrektumn and Doody-Poo Doinkle called down to him.
"Put your pants on you fool!" cried Doody-Poo Doinkle. "He's on our side."
"Hop on," said the voice as the left hand of the machine lowered in front of Puddlefish Doinkle.
Puddlefish climbed on the hand and hoped that his friends hadn't lost their minds. Soon the hand began to rise, taking Puddlefish Doinkle up the cockpit, and his friends.
"Puddlefish Doinkle, meet Michael Goatlips", said Doody-Poo Doinkle as the machine's hand brought Puddlefish Doinkle up to the cockpit. "He is a Death Machine pilot from the Headcheese Mountains. He can't help us against the Lich King, but he can take us to the Castle, then he has to get going."
"Dinner will get cold if I don't get home on time," said the tall pilot dressed in a light blue jump suit. With no further comment they proceeded down the road towards the Castle of The Chainsaw King.
After an hour on the road, they came to the castle of the Chainsaw King. The palace was a grand and proud building, with sheer walls that rose over a hundred feet above a moldy moat filled with great and terrifying monsters. A sickly dragon perched precariously on one of the battlements, looking as if it would throw up at a moments notice. A tall guard stood before the great plywood gates of the castle.
Michael Goatlips let the Doinkles down from the cockpit of his Death Machine, and after bidding them goodbye, he headed back off to the Headcheese mountains and dinner.
"Who goes there?" asked the rather tall guard as the Doinkles approached the castle gate.
"We are but three Doinkles seeking an audience with the Great Chainsaw King!" the Doinkles sang out in unison.
"What do you want from the Chainsaw King?" asked the guard menacingly.
"We wish aid against the Lich King!" they called out, once more in unison.
"And why should I let you in?" asked the guard, growing annoyed with the constant Doinkle habit of speaking in perfect time.
"I'll blow you for it," offered Puddlefish Doinkle, winking at the guard.
"Well..." the guard said, pausing to consider the offer. "Nope. I've got my job to do, and your mouth is to small anyway."
"Bloody great, now how are we supposed to get in?" complained Doody-Poo Doinkle.
"Oops. My mistake. Go on in." said the guard, looking at the crisp new twenty-dollar bill that the author had given him while the Doinkles were not looking.
"Good thing he's on our side," mumbled Wrektumn Doinkle as they walked through the castle gate.
As they walked through the wide corridors of the Chainsaw King's castle, they were awed by the strength of its design. The high walls, the low floors, the huge sheets of plywood that lay piled in the corners. They were absolutely amazed at the giant statues of little cherubs pissing into shotglasses. They nearly tripped over themselves as the stared in astonishment at the huge plaster of paris statue of either Pat Boone, or a female ogre in heat, they were not sure which. They stared in wonder at the giant trees that bore all kinds of plastic fruit. They were very tempted to swim in the great fountains that lined the inner courtyard, that is until Puddlefish saw the giant plastic goldfish that patrolled the pool.
Soon they found themselves at the great cardboard doors that led into the throne room of the Chainsaw King. Before the doors stood two large human guards who looked down upon the Doinkles as if they had just eaten a live yak.
"Yes?" asked the two guards, speaking just out of sync with each other. "What do you want?"
"We wish to see the Chainsaw King!" the Doinkles cried out, speaking in absolute synchrony.
"Okay," said the guards, their voices more out of sync than before, as they each inspected a crisp new twenty dollar bill. "Go on in." And the guards opened the doors and let them in.
The Doinkles quietly approached the tall throne of the Chainsaw King. They were astonished with what they saw. On the throne sat a huge man, no less than six feet tall, with long red hair and a beard. He wore faded blue jeans with knee-high steel-toed lumberjack boots. His shirt was a red and grey flannel with thick cotton lining on the inside.
"What may I do for you?" asked the Chainsaw King as he stirred from his sleep and looked down upon the Doinkles.
"We are but three Doinkles from the far side of the Hairpie Forest, and we seek a boon from you, oh great Chainsaw King." the three Doinkles said.
"And what be this boon you seek?" the Chainsaw King asked.
"We seek aid against the Lich King," said Doody-Poo Doinkle. "For he has stolen our Food Stamps and has ordered us to bring him all the Twinkies our little backs can carry."
"Or else he will kill us," added Puddlefish Doinkle.
"And fuck us up the ass," concluded Wrektumn Doinkle.
"What!" Bellowed the Chainsaw King, jumping up from his throne and grabbing his great Chainsaw. "That stupid son of a bitch! He knows better than to eat the Twinkies of the great Chainsaw King. To arms my soldiers!" he cried to his guards. "We ride against that foul soulless Prince of Pedophiles, the Lich King."
The Chainsaw King barked battle orders to his men as he started his mighty chainsaw. His saw spat out great amounts of thick white smoke as the sharp teeth spun quickly in their tracks. The Chainsaw King began to bark orders out with greater speed and volume as his battle lust began to build within him. With the mounting excitement he began to swing his saw around himself with ever increasing force. A sudden tug on his chainsaw alerted him once again to the three Doinkles.
"On second thought, I guess we won't be fighting today." said the Chainsaw King as he looked down upon the shredded bodies of the now dead Doinkles that he had accidentally hit with his chainsaw.