I wrote this one in college. I was tired of writing serious papers and whipped this out (in a manner of speaking) in a day just to blow off steam. It's puerile and sophomoric.
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Richard R. Ward
Draft #1, 1985
HTML Conversion 6, November 1999.

Fuckaholics, Fuck Ups, Fuckheads. Who are they, where do they come from, what makes them take to fucking to escape from the turmoil of life? In this article, I hope to enlighten you on the dark, dank world of the Fuckaholic. For the purposes of clarity, I will refer to these people as "Fuckers".

Fuckers are people who have turned to fucking in order to get away from problems in their lives. Fuckers often have no control of their need to fuck. They are addicted, slaves to their body's need for fucking. Their world exists from one fuck to the next, an existence with no hope or future.

Fuckers have been with us since the dawn of Mankind (a topic that is subject to a lot of argument from many fuckers, claiming everything from Divine Creation to Evolution). There exist documentation to confirm the existence of fuckers in such early civilizations as the Ancient Greeks, Aztecs, Incas, Babylonians, Red Men of Mars, and Egyptians. Many pharaohs were confirmed fuckers, most notably, King Putz. Even some of our most recent presidents were known to have been fuckers.

Fuck abuse knows no boundaries, or social distinctions. While it is true that there are fuckers all over the world, it is not true, however, that there are more fuckers in communist countries than in the western free countries. Studies reveal that the level of fuck abuse in both communist and free countries are about the same. Nor is it true that there are more male fuckers than female. A recent Masters and Jonestown survey indicates an equal ratio between male and female fuckers. It also showed that there exists an even distribution across all known socio-economic levels.

Many people become fuckers to escape from the mundane tediousness of daily life. Fuck abuse can have devastating effects on peoples lives, as in the case of a man I will call Jim:

"Well, it all started when I was about sixteen, I was with a bunch of my friends, and we were reading some old copies of Dopeboy, and, well, we decided to go out and get laid. I mean, go fuck. Well, we found a couple of fucker girls, and it all started from there. One thing led to another, and soon I was addicted. I couldn't help it, I had to get my fix, I had to get laid. I started stealing from my parents, and it wasn't long before I was breaking into other peoples houses to get money, so that I could go out and fuck. Well, pretty soon, I got caught coming out of my neighbors house with his T.V. When I was in lock-up, they found out that I was a fucker. I was put into a therapy group for about three years. I have been dry for six years, now. It's been hard at times, but thanks to the support of my children, it's been okay."

Or Sally:

"At its worst, I was getting laid three, four, maybe five times a week. I was up to a $600.00 a week habit. I started selling drugs to support my sex habit. I didn't care who I had to give cocaine to, I had to get laid. I mean, I wasn't just a casual, or social fucker, I was a fuckaholic. It almost killed me. I finally sought help after I almost overcame, and passed out for three days. It was getting too heavy, I had to get out."

But some people never see the light, and they stay in the dark world of the fucker, forever trapped in the all consuming need to procreate, as in the case of Marvin:

"Well, shit, I enjoy fuckin', and I don't give a rats' ass what no mamby-pamby, faggot doctor says about fuck abuse. I ain't no fuckaholic, I just enjoy a good strong fuck, every now and again. I can stop any time I feel like it. I just don't feel like it."

Fuckers will often do anything to support their habits. They will steal from family and friends or even embezzle money from their place of employment. A few large corporations have folded because of losses caused by fuckers.

Fuck abuse destroys much more than just the life of the abuser. The damage caused by fuckers reaches a wide range of victims. For example, 20,000 people lose their lives to automobile accidents caused by fucked drivers. The situation is reaching such critical levels that many anti-fuck groups are springing up all over the nation, most notably, Mothers Against Fucked Drivers, M.A.F.D.

It is estimated that over 100,000 serious work injuries, and over 2,000 work related fatalities, occur each year because of people showing up for work fucked. Insurance companies estimate that they are losing millions of dollars every year due to fucked employees.

The damage done by these fuckers is more than just monetary in nature. Fuckers have done great amounts of damage to the moral and spiritual aspects of modern society. Police records attribute a majority of violent offenses to fuckers. Many feel that this is caused by people losing control during an overindulgence in fucking.

Is there a solution to the problem of fuckers? Surprisingly, there seem to be three working answers to the fucker dilemma. Each uses its own methods, and seems to get results.

First, and foremost, is the world famous Schtick Program, which also handles cigarette, alcohol, and Wayne Newton addictions. The Schtick Program uses Negative Conditioning, punishment for unwanted behavior, in its treatment schedule. First, they take a subject, and place him/her in a small room filled with old used sanitary napkins, condoms, diaphragms, vaginal sponges, soiled butt-plugs, rusted ben wa balls, wet porno books, and festering birth control pills. On two walls, old porno movies are constantly played, and on a third wall, the movie Bolero is repeated over and over. The subject is placed in this room (The Boob Cube) for five days at a time.

If the cube does not seem to be working, the subject is taken to the Stinger. The Stinger is actually a room in which the patient is subjected to electro-shock therapy. The subject is secured to a thick iron chair, and connected to electrodes. Then a volunteer, of the subject's sexual preference comes into the room, disrobes, and suggestively offers to provide the fuck-fix that the subject so desperately desires. If the subject responds, he/she is hit with a painful electric shock. This process is continued until the subject no longer displays any sign of sexual dependency.

The Schtick Program has drawn a lot of criticism due to the severity of the methods used. Many psychologists prefer to use positive reinforcement techniques, over the negative reinforcement used by the Schtick Program. Dr. Onan Hamslammer, noted sexologist, M.A., B.A., B.S, Ph.D., B.F.D., B.M.F., says that the Schtick Program can cause more harm than good. He states that people treated at the Schtick Program often develop severe neurosis, as well as turn to other forms of addiction to replace what the Schtick Program has taken away.

Far from the Schtick Program, is the Nolay Clinic, of Sammystown, Nevada. The Nolay Clinic uses a combination of operant conditioning and structural therapy to cure fuckers. The subject is taken to the clinic, outside Sammystown, and are given a comfortable room in a sex-free environment. They are rewarded with praise and increased freedoms, for resisting the need for sex. They are never punished or ridiculed for their addictions. They are taught that they are simply human beings who have been dominated by a force that could ruin them. They are taught that they should fight off the need for sex, and the best way to do that is with a positive attitude towards yourself, and the world.

The third and most unique method of dealing with fuckers is the Timothy S. Feltcher Institute. The philosophy of the Feltcher Institute is one of sex in moderation, in other words, a little sex is okay, but too much sex can kill you.

Patients are brought to the institute, and are allowed only one fuck per day. They are slowly brought down to one fuck per week, or even less. Unlike the other programs, patients at the Feltcher Institute are brought down at their own speed. Some patients react to treatment at a faster rate than others, however, all patients are rewarded for their successes, no matter how long it may take them to respond to therapy.

The success rate at the Feltcher Institute is slightly higher than both the Schtick Program and the Nolay Clinic, which would indicate that the Feltcher Institutes' methods work best, excepting that not all patients respond to the same kinds of treatment, thusly indicating the need for different methods of treatment.

In the overview, Fuckers are a social problem, but a problem that can, if society demands, can be dealt with. But on the other hand, who gives a fuck.

- The End -