This piece was the result of another episode of silliness during an all-night Dungeons and Dragons gaming session at my friend Scott Nelson's house. It was "written" by passing a tape recorder around the room in a round robin pattern. Scott transcribed the nonsense and we edited it and tried to make it make any kind of sense at all.
If you are Catholic and are offended by this, well, I'm sure we're sorry.
Draft 1.5 - June or July 1985.
Converted to HTML November 6, 1999.
HTML Updated, printable version added July 1, 2003.
Draft 1.0 by Kent Atwood, Scott Nelson, Joe Toomey, Richard Ward.
Thrown bodily into the pit of mud by Sister Theresa Wombatta, Sister Mary Magdalene realizes that the game has been rigged, and the Pope has betrayed her. Suddenly, the cardinals jump to their feet, their great red robes flowing majestically about them, screaming "More! More!" To the lustful curses of nearby bishops, sister Mary Magdalene struggled up out of the mud, and with a mighty backhand, smashes the face of Sister Theresa Wombatta, who drops to her back in the slimy mud! Ripping her Rosary from around her waist, Sister Mary Magdalene gets Sister Theresa Wombatta in the dreaded "Eternal Damnation" choke-hold. Holding her face-down in the mud, Sister Mary Magdalene throttles Sister Theresa Wombatta handily. Moving to improve her hold, Sister Mary Magdalene trips on the end of her muddied habit. Sensing an opening, Sister Theresa Wombatta jumps to her feet and plants the toe of her hobnail boot firmly in the crotch of Sister Mary Magdalene, sprawling her flat on her back.
Mother Superior Anteriornudityonly declares a fowl, but is drowned out by the angry calls of the cardinals. Seven overzealous choir boys drag the now screaming Mother Superior out into courtyard and stone her death (the choir boys are later burned at the stake during the post-match tailgate party).
Returning unfazed to the fight at hand, Sister Theresa Wombatta takes the prone form of Sister Mary Magdalene by the waist and throws her forcibly into the mud, sending her sliding across the slippery field of combat. Sister Mary Magdalene rolls with mud, rising to feet and flings two handfuls of mud into the startled face of Sister Theresa Wombatta. Blinded by rage and mud, Sister Theresa Wombatta grabs the nearest weapon at hand, an unfortunate choir boy who had come too close to the ring, using the young boy as a cudgel to beat the now even more surprised Sister Mary Magdalene.
Retreating before the vicious onslaught of Sister Theresa Wombatta, Sister Mary Magdalene reaches into her habit and retrieves a previously concealed large golden crucifix. Charging low to avoid Sister Theresa Wombatta's now comatose weapon, Sister Mary Magdalene jams the crucifix into her adversary's floating ribs, knocking her breath from her lungs with a emphatic and holy "Oomph!" As Sister Theresa Wombatta falls to her knees, Sister Mary Magdalene strikes her across the head with the crucifix, sending her face down into the mud, dazed and bleeding. Throwing the crucifix into the crowd, Sister Mary Magdalene uses the feared "Children's Crusade March" maneuver, grinding a hobnail boot into the back of Sister Theresa Wombatta's head.
Crying foul, the Pope rushes the ring swinging his crozier at Sister Mary Magdalene like a battle axe. Sister Mary Magdalene spins around grabs the crozier, pulling the Pope into the ring before managing to break his most holy grasp. Sister Mary Magdalene faces the Pontiff, feet wide apart, eyes blazing rage, teeth bared in a feral predatory grin, crozier held like a Samurai sword, and growls: "Leave the ring or die!" The Pope is held fast by shock. As Sister Mary Magdalene stalks closer to the Pontiff, three Archbishops run to the side of the ring and pull his most holiness from danger. Brushing mud from his robes the pope returns to his seat.
Regaining her breath during Sister Mary Magdalene's distraction, Sister Theresa Wombatta rises quietly to her feet and jumps Sister Mary Magdalene from behind, gripping Sister Mary Magdalene in the vicious "Our Lord Suffering on the Cross" hold (the official Vatican name for a Full Nelson), whilst screaming: "Die you Orthodox bitch!" Her anger boiling over, Sister Theresa Wombatta tries to fold Sister Mary Magdalene in half, desperately trying to shove Sister Mary Magdalene's face into her navel. Sister Mary Magdalene kicks Sister Theresa Wombatta in the shin, sending a sharp blast of pain up Sister Theresa Wombatta's leg, causing her to loose her grip and allow Sister Mary Magdalene to escape.
Sister Mary Magdalene spins around and head-butts Sister Theresa Wombatta, knocking her backwards. Charging like a pit-bull in a nursery, Sister Mary Magdalene body slams Sister Theresa Wombatta onto her back, sending her once more into the viscous mud. Sister Mary Magdalene leaps into the air, falling on Sister Theresa Wombatta in the awful "Torquemada Conversion", slamming the air from Sister Theresa Wombatta's lungs and knocking her cold.
Sister Mary Magdalene rises from the unconscious body of her adversary. She lifts her fallen foe above her head in a single pull, holding the body for all to see. Facing the Pontiff, she roars a victory yell that shakes the walls of St. Peters' before throwing Sister Theresa Wombatta's limp form down into the mud. The nun's pews explode in excitement as once again, a new Mother Superior is crowned; Mother Superior Mary Magdalene.