Today I want to vent my spleen about CRAPPY WEB PAGES! Every once in a while I come across a web page so badly designed that I wonder if it was built by an idiotic person or a bus-load of moronic monkeys! You know the ones I'm talking about. The pages you just stare at and find yourself saying "What the fuck is this shit!?" The pages that make you want to find the mental midget who made it and beat the living shit out of them! Below is my (incomplete) list of Mortal Sins of Bad Web Design That Should Be Punishable By Death!

  • Pages with static "Click to Enter" pages.
    You've seen these. These are the pages with a huge graphic and an "Click Here" button that takes you to the page proper. It's one thing for a large corporation to have a page like this; they're used to thinking in terms of a static, unchanging image being presented to the public. But a personal web page? What the hell makes you think I'm gonna want to go further into a page if all I get is an informationless poster?
  • MIDI music.
    What the fuck is up with MIDI music on a web page? Just because you can do it, does not mean that you should! And if you are going to annoy the fuck out of me with badly scored music, at least give me a button on the page to shut it the hell off! If I want to listen to your damned music I'll ask for it!
  • Horrible color combinations.
    You know what I'm talking about. Those pages that either have text colors set almost the same as the background image, or a combination of text and background colors that clash so harshly that you can't even focus your eyes on what is there? Do these idiots not bother to try to read their own pages? I've got a big clue for you; if you can't read your page, no one else can, either!
  • "Open On Exit" javascript popups!
    We've all run into them. There you are, surfing for porn doing work related research in the office and you spot a page that looks like it has pictures of Jennifer Love Hewwit naked the information that you so desperately need. So you take a look and find out it's grainy pictures of Ernest Borgnine closed for repairs. So you leave the website only to have 800 popup porn ads a popup reminding you to come back when the page is back up. What the hell is up with this shit? I don't want to have to put up with that crap! I'd love to have a browser that I could setup to suppress any JavaScript function I didn't want. But NOOOOOOooooo! I've either got to shut Java and Javascript off completely or put up with endless popups that require you to reboot your system just to stop!
  • People who don't know what a "thumbnail" picture is.
    So, there I am, looking for pictures of Ali Landry (the Doritos chick) stars taken by the Hubble telescope and I find this page with about 35 pictures. Now, I'm using a 512Kb cable modem and this page is taking forever to load. I look at all of the thumbnails and then I look at the status bar. These aren't thumbnails! These are full sized images, at 200-400KB per image, being displayed smaller by using tiny <HEIGHT> and <WIDTH> tags! So, I click on one of the pictures and my browser has to re-fetch the image to display it. It's not so clear she's dressed, damn! so I hit the "back" button and my browser has to reload ALL of the images again! I just want to find these idiots and slap the crap out of them. Do they have any brains in their heads at all? Are they careless or stupid? They should get charged extra for all the bandwidth that gets wasted because they haven't the foggiest clue as to what the hell they're doing!
  • I ran across this page while researching links for my links page for my The Sims page (true story) and I come across this page that just takes forever to come down. I look down at the status bar and notice that there is over a megabyte of data coming down. So I'm thinking that this guy has an overly animated opening page, or some huge sound file, or some other annoyance. The page suddenly renders and it's about 1.5 KB of text, a few small (and incorrectly sized, I might add) buttons, a single 35KB animated GIF and nothing else. Then the background image pops up. Get this. It's a 1.1 megabyte 800x600 JPEG version of the "clouds" background picture that Microsoft included with Windows 95. Now, the .BMP file wasn't that big. What bullshit compression setting was that twit using when he converted it to JPEG and what made him think that a 1.1 megabyte background image was a good thing? I closed that window and never bothered to investigate the page to see if it was worthwhile. Something told me this clown didn't have a fucking clue about what he was doing.
  • Pages designed for ONE browser, only.
    I hate coming across a page and getting told that the page will ONLY work with the latest version of Browser X. Usually that browser is Microsoft Internet Explorer (I wash and wash, but the stain will not go away). Now, I loathe IE. In my (not so) humble opinion it is a piece of shit, and I don't want to use it. If I have to use one and only one browser to access a web page then the operator/creator of that page can kiss my hairy ass.
  • Plugins.
    How many times have you run into a site that needs some weird plugin that no other site in the world needs? You go get the stupid plugin and you restart your browser and go back and whatever it was that was so cool that they needed a custom plugin for could have been done in regular HTML. Whatever.
  • Dorks who require special fonts.
    I love going to sites and seeing a notice on the front page stating: "This site only looks good using the Zapfs-Bonehead font, which you will need to download from Here. Sorry, this font is not avail bale for anyone using anything but Windows.". If you are that picky you need to get the hell off the web and use Adobe Acrobat for your work.
  • Sites that are nothing but links!
    You know the sites I'm talking about. You go to some site that says it has pictures of lesbian nuns mud wrestling polar bears hot stock quotes and it turns out to be nothing but a few banner adds and links to 100 other pages just like it. What the hell?

That concludes my rant for today. Maybe I'll find something to bitch about again soon. Maybe I won't.

03 DEC 2000.