Today I want to vent my spleen about CRAPPY WEB PAGES! Every once in a while I come across a web page so badly
designed that I wonder if it was built by an idiotic person or a bus-load of moronic monkeys! You know the ones
I'm talking about. The pages you just stare at and find yourself saying "What the fuck is this shit!?" The
pages that make you want to find the mental midget who made it and beat the living shit out of them! Below is my
(incomplete) list of Mortal Sins of Bad Web Design That Should Be Punishable By Death!
- Pages with static "Click to Enter" pages.
You've seen these. These are the pages with a huge graphic and an "Click Here" button that takes
you to the page proper. It's one thing for a large corporation to have a page like this; they're
used to thinking in terms of a static, unchanging image being presented to the public. But a
personal web page? What the hell makes you think I'm gonna want to go further into a page if all I
get is an informationless poster?
- MIDI music.
What the fuck is up with MIDI music on a web page? Just because you can do it, does not mean that
you should! And if you are going to annoy the fuck out of me with badly scored music, at least give me a
button on the page to shut it the hell off! If I want to listen to your damned music I'll ask for it!
- Horrible color combinations.
You know what I'm talking about. Those pages that either have text colors set almost the same as the
background image, or a combination of text and background colors that clash so harshly that you can't even
focus your eyes on what is there? Do these idiots not bother to try to read their own pages? I've got a big
clue for you; if you can't read your page, no one else can, either!
We've all run into them. There you are,
surfing for porn doing work related research in the
office and you spot a page that looks like it has pictures of Jennifer Love Hewwit naked the information that
you so desperately need. So you take a look and find out it's grainy pictures of Ernest Borgnine closed for
repairs. So you leave the website only to have 800 popup porn ads a popup reminding you to come back when the
page is back up. What the hell is up with this shit? I don't want to have to put up with that crap! I'd love to have a browser
- People who don't know what a "thumbnail" picture is.
So, there I am, looking for pictures of
Ali Landry (the Doritos chick) stars taken by the Hubble
telescope and I find this page with about 35 pictures. Now, I'm using a 512Kb cable modem and this page is taking forever
to load. I look at all of the thumbnails and then I look at the status bar. These aren't thumbnails! These are full sized
images, at 200-400KB per image, being displayed smaller by using tiny <HEIGHT> and <WIDTH> tags! So, I click on one of
the pictures and my browser has to re-fetch the image to display it. It's not so clear she's dressed, damn! so I hit
the "back" button and my browser has to reload ALL of the images again! I just want to find these idiots and slap the crap
out of them. Do they have any brains in their heads at all? Are they careless or stupid? They should get charged extra for all the
bandwidth that gets wasted because they haven't the foggiest clue as to what the hell they're doing!
- I ran across this page while researching links for my links page for my The Sims page (true story) and I come across
this page that just takes forever to come down. I look down at the status bar and notice that there is over a megabyte of
data coming down. So I'm thinking that this guy has an overly animated opening page, or some huge sound file, or some other
annoyance. The page suddenly renders and it's about 1.5 KB of text, a few small (and incorrectly sized, I might add) buttons, a single
35KB animated GIF and nothing else. Then the background image pops up. Get this. It's a 1.1 megabyte 800x600 JPEG version of the
"clouds" background picture that Microsoft included with Windows 95. Now, the .BMP file wasn't that big. What bullshit
compression setting was that twit using when he converted it to JPEG and what made him think that a 1.1 megabyte background
image was a good thing? I closed that window and never bothered to investigate the page to see if it was worthwhile. Something
told me this clown didn't have a fucking clue about what he was doing.
- Pages designed for ONE browser, only.
I hate coming across a page and getting told that the page will ONLY work with the latest version of Browser X. Usually
that browser is Microsoft Internet Explorer (I wash and wash, but the stain will not go away). Now, I loathe IE. In my (not so)
humble opinion it is a piece of shit, and I don't want to use it. If I have to use one and only one browser to access a web
page then the operator/creator of that page can kiss my hairy ass.
How many times have you run into a site that needs some weird plugin that no other site in the world needs? You go
get the stupid plugin and you restart your browser and go back and whatever it was that was so cool that they needed a custom
plugin for could have been done in regular HTML. Whatever.
- Dorks who require special fonts.
I love going to sites and seeing a notice on the front page stating: "This site only looks good using the Zapfs-Bonehead
font, which you will need to download from Here. Sorry, this font is not avail bale for anyone using anything but Windows.".
If you are that picky you need to get the hell off the web and use Adobe Acrobat for your work.
- Sites that are nothing but links!
You know the sites I'm talking about. You go to some site that says it has
pictures of lesbian nuns mud wrestling
polar bears hot stock quotes and it turns out to be nothing but a few banner adds and links to 100 other pages just like it.
What the hell?
That concludes my rant for today. Maybe I'll find something to bitch about again soon. Maybe I won't.
03 DEC 2000.