Shitty Movies, Part One of a Series

Welcome to Part One of my selection of Movies That Suck Donkey Genitals. These are movies that I not only dislike, but that suck, that insult the intelligence of their audience, whose productions were riddled with incompetence and stupidity. Movies that should be held up as an example of how not to make movie. Most of the movies you will see in this list are science-fiction movies. Why? Probably because I watch more science-fiction movies than other genres and because so many science-fiction movies are such dreadful piles of shit. Anyway, on with the show.

2001: A Space Odyssey
Everyone likes to pretend that this movie is good, that it is deep, and that they enjoyed watching it. These people are either liars or stupid. This movie is shit. Pure and simple shit. Right now there are some of you fitfully scribbling some trite and insulting email to me telling me that I just don't "get it". Stop. I do "get it". I grok the whole damned thing. It's not that complex or deep. See, the basic story is that a bazzillion years ago a bunch of mindless apes were sitting around picking their asses when a mysterious black monolith appeared and gave them brains, years later them apes go to the moon and find a second monolith that leads them to Jupiter and a third mysterious black rectangle (oooh! Spooky!). Turns out that the Jupiter monolith is a gateway to a bad motel left by some aliens and some hairless ape named Dave Bowmen gets sucked in and evolves into the (cue dramatic music) Star Child! (DUM-DUM-DUM!). Did I miss anything? Besides the homicidal computer running the space ship? Good. About now some of you are saying that movie had the best special effects and truest to life space travel scenes ever filmed. And you are right. But special effects don't make a movie. Plot, characters you give a damn about, dialog good enough to hold your interest, something actually happening and reasonably competent acting makes a good movie. 2001 had none of these. I hated each and every character and was happy when they died. The acting was wooden and lifeless. The dialog was almost as terrible as Battlefield Earth. The only character with any depth is HAL 9000, the damned computer! Stanley Kubrick once defended this bad acid trip by claiming he was "exploring the depths of banality". It's been twenty-three years since I've seen this movie and I'm still pissed off that I wasted my time on this pseudo-intellectual claptrap.

Battlefield Earth
I had the misfortune of seeing this train wreck of a movie. Train wreck? No, this schlock-filled shitfest is more than just a train wreck. It's a head-on collision of two manure filled trains. On the one train we have the mortal sins of the movie as a piece of film: every shot was filmed at an angle – no shot was ever level, the special effects were dated and poor, the set designs were pathetic, the acting wooden and empty, the Psychlos (the evil aliens) were supposed to be nine feet tall and the best they could do was put the actors in big boots and extensions on their heads. On the other train we have the unforgivable sins of the story as written by Dianetics and Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard: the Psychlos were able to take over the world in minutes but were unable to resist an attack by cavemen piloting 1,000-year old Harrier jump-jets, terms like "rat-brain" and "man-animal" were supposed to be insulting and make us hate the aliens, the aliens were on Earth to mine our resources, the aliens' breathing air was explosively reactive to radiation, etc.... What the hell? The combination of a pathetic story and a badly executed movie makes this one of the most painful experiences I have ever had. And that includes the two root-canals and having my wisdom teeth extracted when I was 30! The only thing that keeps me from wanting to kill myself is the fact that I saw this movie on TV while chatting with some buddies on the Internet. I feel sorry for anyone who paid money to see this shit-filled excuse for a movie. For the love of God Almighty, if you have not already seen this movie, don't!

The Black Hole
This movie is proof that Disney should never be allowed to try to make science fiction movies. This movie is so thickly covered in ineptitude and stupidity that knowing I paid money to see this fills me with shame. For some assanine reason someone at Disney decided that the best way to make a science fiction movie in 1979 was to make it look just like one made in the 1950's. The special effects were crap. The story itself was garbage. The evil robots were a joke. The whole "Heaven and Hell" ending made me sick. But the most vomit inducing aspect of the movie was the "good-guy" robots. V.I.N.CENT. Having a "psionic" connection to the sole female crew member was painfully stupid. The granddaddy of idiocy was the death of Bob. The touching, tear-jerking, ineptly manipulative, pointless and stupid death of a machine! A machine with an electronic brain. A brain that can be halted and ejected from his failing body and implanted in a new one. But did they? NOOO! They let the poor, battered and abused robot die. Even at sixteen I was infuriated by such brainless stupidity on the part of the filmmakers.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace
Oh, yeah! I can feel the nerds, geeks and fanboys hating me now. Bring it on! This rancid bucket of feculent runoff from George Lucas' cancer-ridden excuse for a brain is one of the most insultingly stupid movies of all time. The dialog is, at best, a direct insult to the intelligence of the audience. The acting is wooden and lifeless. The characters were cardboard cutouts standing in for plot complications. Why were the Sith after revenge? Why was Darth Maul evil? And speaking of Darth Maul, what the hell is up with the stupid names for the villains? Darth Maul? Darth Sideous? And when did "Darth" change from being Darth Vader's first name to being a title? And what the fuck is up with the midichlorians? (I don't give a shit how they are spelled. Don't bother sharpening your nerdly wit with a spell-flame email. I don't care.) The Force went from being some mystical, er, "force", to being the byproduct of a parasitic infection. And speaking of the Force, how in a bantha's spastic colon could Yoda turn away Anikan Skywalker? The most powerful Force potential of all time and the old fart turns him away, and then only grudgingly letts some greenhorn dipshit train him? If Yoda had a working brain in his head, rather than Frank Oz' hand up his ass, he would have given Anikan to the best training Jedi he could find. And one last sicking little detail. Remember how in the real Star Wars movies George Lucas managed to untangle the whole love triangle by making Luke and Leia brother and sister (after they had been getting some serious tonsil-cleaning snogging going on)? Don't you find it creepy that he later makes Anikan and Amidamnit the same ages as his adopted children? Freud would love George.

If you are wondering why I don't have a pissbucket for Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones, wonder no more. I have not seen that movie and have no plans to. George Lucas can suck shit from my ass before I'll give him another fucking dime! And George, just in case you can tear yourself away from your marketting lists for Jar-Jar Binks tie-ins and destroying the orginal trilogy to fit in with the shitpile that is the prequals, know this: The ONLY thing I want from you is the original trilogy as originally released in the theatres. You can erase the matte boxes and cover up Darth Vader's eyes, but that's it. Otherwise, I'm not bothering.

Solarbabies
I don't think I'm going to get any hate mail for bashing this putrid pile of whale drek. The "plot", if that's what you want to call it, revolves around a future time when the world is a desert and a team of young teens must fight for their freedom on RollerBlades(TM). Not even the charm of Lukas Haas can save this crapfest from the dung heap of movie history. The funny thing is that movie has more lively acting than the ones listed above. But even so, it's utter crap. This movie has not managed to hurt me enough to burn deeply enough into my mind that I remember each and every sin of its existence, but it is painful enough that I'm not willing to do any research at all. Watch it if you must, but remember that I warned you.

The Wizard
Thanks to a long bout of insomnia in my younger days I ended up watching a LOT of movies on HBO that I otherwise would have passed up in a second. The Wizard is one of those movies. I'm not sure why I watched it. Maybe Cinemax didn't have any soft-core porn on that night. I don't know. Anyway. This fine example of corporate offal is a thinly disguised Nintendo commercial pretending to be a movie. It is the adventures of an idiot 12-year old and his autistic little brother, who is a "wizard" at video games, and their adventure getting to a video game competition in Los Angeles. Never mind that that they go there without adult supervision. Never mind that they are going to need a parent or guardian to sign the forms to let them into the contest. Never mind the uncountable instances of product placement. Never mind the awkward puppy love between Fred Savage and some 12-year old girl they managed to con into going along for the ride (or did she con them?). No. The one and only thing you need to know about this movie to really get an idea of how bad it is the scene in a Las Vegas casino (?) in which 12-year old girls are walking around in old 1940's cigarette dresses hawking candy cigarettes and gum. I damn near spit my soda out my nose when I saw that. The Republic is doomed.

Freejack
I don't remember if I payed money to see this shitstorm of a movie. I'm hoping not, but I have this nagging doubt in my mind. Anyway. This film is the story of a race car driver who is snatched from certain death a millisecond before his car crashes into a wall by a time-travelling body snatching syndicate. They are going to use his body to hold the soul of a man who has recently died. RacerX, er, Emilio Estevez manages to escape and with the help of that renowned thespian, Mick Jagger, manages to con people into thinking he's the dead old guy. If that wasn't enough to turn you away from this movie it should be noted that the acting, dialog, plot and directing in this pathetic excuse for a film is about on par with my singing voice. And my singing voice can kill frogs at fifteen meters.

 

That concludes my rant for today. Bashing seven movies in one sitting is enough for one day. Maybe I'll find something to bitch about again soon. Maybe I won't.

19 JUN 2003.