Spammers, Proof of Butt-Babies

I remember a time when there was no SPAM (Stupid People Asking for Money) on the 'net. A time when Usenet newsgroups were useful places to argue like spoiled children hold conversations and debates on the merits of the particular newsgroup topic. A time when you could call up a newsgroup and not have to wade through hundreds of lame-ass adverts begging for your money. A time when you could post to Usenet newsgroups under your real, unmangled username without having to worry about the avalanche of unwanted unsolicited advertising email that is sure to follow today.

Today the Usenet (newsgroups, if you don't know) is filled to capacity with endless idiots posting lame adverts trying to get you and I to spend our money on their questionable products. Many popular newsgroups are now useless because of this, even newsgroups specifically created to be spam free *cough*lightspeed*cough*.

Do they really believe that we will believe their calls to Make Money Fast? That they are really Pamela Anderson selling tapes of her and Tommy Lee having sex? That we actually believe that there is a safe, low cost herbal version of Viagra (and why wasn't it available before Viagra?)? That we are so stupid and vain as to think that their crackpot penis enlargers really work? Do these people really believe these schemes work, or have they all bought some Make Money On The Internet kit from some other scam artists and they are so desperate to get their $39.99 back?

I don't really know, and I don't give a damn. I am just goddamned tired of it all. I do not like the idea of adding legislation to the Internet, but the concept of Self-Governance is showing its weaknesses. Spam is on the rise, burying most of Usenet and filling up mailboxes with unwanted and often offensive ads for useless crap.

I don't have real answer to how to handle spammers. My first option is murder, but that's not legal. So, instead I'll end this rant with my Top Ten Ways To Kill Spammers list:

Richard's Top Ten Ways To Kill Spammers:

10: Shove lit sticks of TNT up their asses
09: Banish them all to a desert island with no food or medical provisions.
08: Beat them to death with baseball bats.
07: Three words: Human Railroad Ties.
06: Four words: Living Crash Test Dummies.
05: Human Cannonballs, using real cannons.
04: Lock them up and give them rabies. Deny medical attention.
03: Drop them off tall skyscrapers.
02: Use them as slave labor to clean out Chernobyl
And the number one way to kill Spammers:
01: Vivisection without anesthetic.
NOTE 1: Contrary to popular opinion, most governments of the world still regard Spammers as human beings and consider any of the acts above to be illegal. It is this light, and this light alone, that I recommend that you do NOT attempt any of the above actions, nor do I condone such actions.

NOTE 2: The term Spammer is used in the Internet vernacular, and is not a reference to Hormel Foods or their canned meat product, Spam.

NOTE 3: If you are a spammer and you take offense to what I have said on this page, well, feel free to fuck off. I don't give a damn what you feel.

11/10/99