Celebs I'd Love To Beat Up.

Rex Reed (Film Critic): I just can't stand this man. Every time I see him on TV smarmily waxing poetic about the latest piece of shit Hollywood movie that's come out I just want to hunt him down and kick his pompous ass. Between his lame jokes, smarmy delivery, and "I'm smarter than all you plebes put together" attitude I just want to see this man in serious pain. Rex Reed loves almost every new movie that comes out. He is more an obnoxious cheerleader for the MPAA than he is a real film critic.

Rush Limbaugh (Big Fat Idiot/Radio "Personality"): This man just makes the bile rise in the back of my throat. Between his pandering to his disaffected white, working class, conservative listeners - claiming that the IRS is raping "people like us" (him and his listeners) when he is making millions of dollars a year is an insult to every wage slave listening to him - and his flagrant ignorance (or intellectual dishonesty) - like when he claimed that the melting of the ice caps would not raise the sea levels (ignoring the fact that 75% of the permanent ice in the world is not floating in the water) - he just pisses me off.

Howard Stern (Shock Jock/Idiot): The world's oldest 14-year old boy. This "man" (and I use the term loosely) has turned arrested emotional development into a multi-million dollar radio show consisting of topless women, dirty jokes, and sexual insults.

Anna Nicole (Vicky) Smith (Playboy Playmate/Gold Digger): This former Playmate made the term "gold digger" even more disgusting when she married 89-year old oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II. I would ALMOST believe her pathetic crocodile tears at his funeral and her claims of "true love" (to a man older than her own grandfather?!) if it were not for the fact that she was still with her long-time boyfriend throughout this entire debacle. Add to this her appearance on Howard Stern while completely stoned, and you have a woman deserving of a good punch in the face.

Dr. Laura (Radio Personality/Cast Iron Bitch): The fewer things I say about this sack of shit the longer I delay a massive heart attack. There are hateful people in this world, and then there is Dr. Laura.

Steve Irwin - AKA: The Crocodile Hunter (Twit/Wildlife Show Host): Didn't Jakko wear out the welcome of annoying Australian nit wits in the late 1980's? Croiky! Steve. Get your thumb out of that crocs ass and go home already!

And speaking of annoying Australians, WTF is up with all those Australian infomercial hosts? Do they really think we'll trust them more than American hosts because of their accents? I have nothing against Australians (I have a few Ausie friends that I like very much, thank you), but this is ridiculous! Between this trend and the Croc Hunter, most Americans are getting the idea that Ausies are nit wits and con artists. Phooey!

Pat Robertson (Money Changer/Televangelist): How a man this full of hate and condemnation can claim to speak for the God of Love is beyond me. You know, Pat, there is a special place in Hell for people like you. Okay folks, place your bets: The Fifth Circle of Hell (the wrathful and sullen), Eighth Circle: Region 3 (Siomoniacs), Eighth Circle: Region 6 (Hypocrites), or Eighth Circle: Region 9 (Sowers of discord and scandal)? Where will Pat spend eternity? It's not going to be anywhere near the Glory of God, we all know that.

Christopher Lowell (Interior Designer/TV Show host): I don't know what it is about this man that makes me want to beat him up. It's not like he spews hate or lies or makes other people feel like crap. He seems to be, from what I can tell, a nice enough guy. I just want to beat the snot out of him. Maybe it's because he reminds me of "Otho" from "Beetlejuice".

Fred Durst (Rock Star/Poseur): Can anyone tell me what the hell this middle-class punk has to so angry about? Anything? Maybe the fact that Taco Bell closes at 2:00am in his town fills him with such angst that he feels the need to scream and posture like he's some badass mofo from the ghetto. Remember when he did that duet with Christina Agulara? His fans all got their panties in a twist and he comes out with this manly "I did it for the nookie" bullshit. Did he have the balls to stand up to his fans and tell them that he did it because he likes her and thought it would be fun? Nope. Pulls that old high-school slave to his dick bullshit. What a fucking tool. Monkey Boy was right to leave the band.

George Lucas (Film Maker/Has Been): Responsible for one of the worst movies ever made: Star Wars: Episode 1. Be honest, folks, if that movie had been released by anyone else it would have been laughed out of the theatre in seconds. But because Lucas' fans are almost as delusional as he is, it was greeted with open arms and embraced as "a great movie!". Proof positive of the power of denial. One thing that makes me wonder what the hell is going on in that collapsed skull of his is the fact that Queen Amadala and Anikan Skywalker are the exact same ages as Lucas' adopted kids were when the film was released. When you consider that George made Luke and Lieah brother and sister (because he couldn't figure out any good way to resolve that love triangle), it really makes you wonder. He was right about one thing: Episode One was a childrens' movie. It wasn't written FOR children, it was written BY children.

Andy Rooney (Reporter): You've all seen his pieces on 60 Minutes. Jebus! Doesn't this man ever do anything but whine? Damn! I've never seen anyone who whines and bitches like this guy! I'd slap him if I got the chance! Hell, I'd slap anyone who complains like this guy does! Like that jackass I see every day in the mirror. What the hell is HIS problem. I'll be right back, folks. I have to kick my ass.

26 FEB 2002